To the Twinkz Illustrated Bulge Lab: I like lifting up my shirt and showing off my abs. I like showing off my waistband too. Sometimes I wear American Eagle or Hugo Boss. I can always spot when my waistband triggers their imaginations about what’s inside my underwear. But with a Speedo there IS no waistband! If I wear a speedo as underwear, how will I ever tease anybody again!?

image

Ditching the Cotton. This swimmer has ditched his American Eagle waistband in exchange for drawstrings. He’d rather have you fantasizing about the suit he’s wearing than a wrinkly cotton lump that doesn’t tell you what’s inside.

Dear Twink:

You’re asking the right questions, and there is a solution to your problem. First you need to ditch the flabby, unerotic, un-form-fitting lint-berry-prone cotton. You can’t rub bulges with somebody else wearing cotton and actually have it feel good like it would with, say, 100% nylon swim briefs. You can’t put your pants on without cotton bunching up on you (referring especially to today’s impractical but ever-popular boxer-briefs). You can’t put your dick in cotton and expect it to stay where you want it. And you can’t even properly advertise your dick with it. You’d be advertising a wrinkly lump. The lack of identifiability of your head and your shaft and which direction these parts are pointing is a no-no here at the Department of Bulge Analytics.

Solution: Speedos and other competition swim briefs. You’re worried you can’t entice your classmates into fantasizing about your private parts because you lack a waistband wearing a Speedo or a Turbo water-polo suit? Simply display your drawstring instead of a waistband. And voila: Anybody studying your crotch will know you’re wearing a Speedo and he’ll be drooling in triplicate knowing that if the pants come off he’ll see much more than what the boxer-briefs would have displayed. You might want to cut the drawstrings and burn the tips a bit so they aren’t too long and don’t frizzle like Kramer’s hair.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s