This swimmer’s team uses Nike swim briefs with a bulge-obfuscating pattern and a seam down the ass crack. To paraphrase the late John Pinette, we say nay, nay! (John Pinette was, as his shtick pointed out, one very large bulge himself.) The seam on Nike swim briefs (not present on Nike water-polo briefs) is just hideous. What’s worse is that patterned suits in lieu of solid ones are designed to thwart the practice of bulge analytics. With all of their clouds and spots and lines and graphics, they bisect and trisect and blur a bulge into pieces of a puzzle. They distort, diffract, diffuse, obfuscate and warp. They even absorb light — all so that the outline of a swimmer’s dick can’t be reflected back into the world. Nay, nay! That’s a crime. We’ll stick with solids.

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