To the Twinkz Illustrated Bulge Lab: I like lifting up my shirt and showing off my abs. I like showing off my waistband too. Sometimes I wear American Eagle or Hugo Boss. I can always spot when my waistband triggers their imaginations about what’s inside my underwear. But with a Speedo there IS no waistband! If I wear a speedo as underwear, how will I ever tease anybody again!?

twinkz-illustrated:

image

Ditching the Cotton. This swimmer has ditched his American Eagle waistband in exchange for drawstrings. He’d rather have you fantasizing about the suit he’s wearing than a wrinkly cotton lump that doesn’t tell you what’s inside.

Dear Twink:

You’re asking the right questions, and there is a solution to your problem. First you need to ditch the flabby, unerotic, un-form-fitting lint-berry-prone cotton. You can’t rub bulges with somebody else wearing cotton and actually have it feel good like it would with, say, 100% nylon swim briefs. You can’t put your pants on without cotton bunching up on you (referring especially to today’s impractical but ever-popular boxer-briefs). You can’t put your dick in cotton and expect it to stay where you want it. And you can’t even properly advertise your dick with it. You’d be advertising a wrinkly lump. The lack of identifiability of your head and your shaft and which direction these parts are pointing is a no-no here at the Department of Bulge Analytics.

Solution: Speedos and other competition swim briefs. You’re worried you can’t entice your classmates into fantasizing about your private parts because you lack a waistband wearing a Speedo or a Turbo water-polo suit? Simply display your drawstring instead of a waistband. And voila: Anybody studying your crotch will know you’re wearing a Speedo and he’ll be drooling in triplicate knowing that if the pants come off he’ll see much more than what the boxer-briefs would have displayed. You might want to cut the drawstrings and burn the tips a bit so they aren’t too long and don’t frizzle like Kramer’s hair.

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