Just got my first 100% nylon brief swimwear from AussieBum. They feel awesome wearing them as usual underwear. Any suggestion what brand to buy next? The white Turbo briefs look nice.

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NYLON? TWINKZ ILLUSTRATED BRIEFLY interviewed AussieBum founder Sean Ashby recently about the state of this fucking-hot material. And here we give you more about it and what he said about its future.

You’re choosing well when you choose nylon (especially what’s been known as nylon tricot for decades) as material for your swim briefs, running shorts, tank tops and so on. Of special interest to Twinkz Illustrated readers is that it’s what Speedos used to be made from! The swimmers who swam in it have never forgotten how silky and slippery and lubey the material was. It was lubey enough to make you squirt when you put it in contact with your stiff private parts (or those of your swim mates). Perfect for dry-humping the goalie on your water-polo team. Swimmers went wild for it. They tell stories on nifty.org about massaging their dicks after school with it — or using their brothers’ Speedos to do it. One guy loved it so much that he collected dozens of nylon-tricot suits, mostly by fishing them out of swimmers’ lockers at school! (He is, after all, the Nylon Speedo Authority, whose blog enlightened us on what we were missing.) 

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One of our bulge analysts wearing AussieBum nylon on the beach.

But this magic melding of the visually hot (swimmers, divers, water-polo players) and the sensationally hot (suits that make them squirt) has been lost. It’s as gone as Tower Records and Robin Williams and bell bottoms. Now there’s lycra. You can call it lycra, spandex, or elastane, but rubbing a lycra Speedo on another lycra Speedo is like dragging a Michelin across asphalt. Talk about skid marks. Speedos aren’t the fun they used to be.

Today’s suits are more compressive and put more pressure on your fruit. (They just don’t juice it as well.) The advantage is that a bulge analyst can often see sharper detail of such compressed bulges. Nylon purists will frown upon that endorsement, turning their noses up at smashed penises.

Otherwise we remain blindly disadvantaged, happily stocking up on our lycra Speedos and sexy (or so we thought) Under Armour and satiny and sheeny Adidas soccer shorts (the Twinkz Illustrated wardrobe is stuffed with dozens of Adidas Vigo soccer shorts — we should have been buying vintage Adidas shorts!).

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Adidas Vigo soccer short. Not nylon and not conducive to ejaculation.

These shorts and the Under Armour and all of the other gear would’ve been nylon tricot if this were 1978. But some mindless — and possibly dickless — overlord in textile manufacturing, some where, some time, decided to re-engineer what everybody wears, and supply the world’s sweatshops with less erotic material. Who did this? A nun? A repressed homosexual bent on crashing the party? As with many things, if it’s too hot, somebody’ll screw it up. (Like those nude Abercrombie catalogs from years back!)

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An evergreen-colored nylon TYR Destroyer.

The fun is indeed nearly all ruined. The very, very last nylon Speedos have disappeared from all of the swimsuit retailers. Some nylon TYR Destroyer water-polo suits are around, but they’re disappearing. You probably won’t even find your size if you happen to find the suit. TruWest’s “WP-500″ is still sold; a few obscure brands like Caussie are out there. But Adidas? Arena? Agon? Dolfin? Kiefer? Jaked? Nike? Rival? Speedo? TYR? Turbo? All lycra. (Or something else.)

But there’s one notable exception: Sean Ashby’s AussieBum. Ashby is said to have been a fan of nylon Speedos and was disappointed that he couldn’t find any. So he created his own nylon swim briefs. And since he’d been a beach bum in Australia for a while, he called them AussieBums.

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AussieBum swim briefs and tank tops aren’t described by their sales literature as being slick enough to get off with, but they are. They’re made of some of the silkiest and slickest nylon available today. He knows it. That’s a given.

Recently the Twinkz Illustrated Department of Bulge Analytics noticed a ton of AussieBum nylon on clearance. We worried that AussieBum might be moving on like Speedo and everybody else did. So we asked Mr. Ashby if that was happening:

Hello, Sean:

Are you phasing out your nylon swim briefs? If so, what makes you do that? Also, are you aware of how good they feel versus lycra-nylon blends?

ANSWER:

Absolutely not. That’s never going out of style. We’re introducing new colours, styles etc in Nylon.
All the best
Sean

(We did say it was a “brief” interview.)

So for now, AussieBum is the official Twinkz Illustrated source for chic and prestigious silky nylon. To paraphrase Miranda Priestly’s bespectacled assistant:

This is not just any lustrous shiny material. This is a shining beacon of hope for — oh, I don’t know — any swimmer who wants to get off in his suit or with other swimmers!

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