speedo

IT’S OUR LIFEGUARD after he changed out of his official Jacksonville Beach lifeguard suit from agonswim and into this Speedo.

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ANOTHER WATER-POLO GOALIE posing for our cameras. That Nike water-polo suit thankfully does not have the hideous seam down the ass crack that the Nike swim brief has.

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THIS WAS SHOT ON KODAK film. Our photographer and chief bulge analyst hastily opened the camera’s rear cover when it was time to change rolls and exposed the film to light without first rewinding it, thus damaging all of the shots. This is a cleaned-up result. Damage aside, any bulge analyst can still conclude that our swimmer keeps his plump cut dick pointed to the left. Were it not for the modern lycra Size 28 Speedo, you might think this was taken in 1962!

We had our digital camera with us, too. See a shot from it here.

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BULGE LAB FINDINGS: Even though there’s no “crater” at the tip signifying foreskin, our technicians nonethless determined this swimmer is uncut. They’re saying 8 inches, slight downward curve when stiff. For a higher-quality pic, see this posting of the pic at the Nylon Speedo Authority’s site. (If you didn’t know, swim briefs used to be made out of nylon tricot and when you rubbed suits with other swimmers, the suits were so slick and lubey that you could squirt.)

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There aren’t enough green suits in this world. 

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This swimmer’s team uses Nike swim briefs with a bulge-obfuscating pattern and a seam down the ass crack. To paraphrase the late John Pinette, we say nay, nay! (John Pinette was, as his shtick pointed out, one very large bulge himself.) The seam on Nike swim briefs (not present on Nike water-polo briefs) is just hideous. What’s worse is that patterned suits in lieu of solid ones are designed to thwart the practice of bulge analytics. With all of their clouds and spots and lines and graphics, they bisect and trisect and blur a bulge into pieces of a puzzle. They distort, diffract, diffuse, obfuscate and warp. They even absorb light — all so that the outline of a swimmer’s dick can’t be reflected back into the world. Nay, nay! That’s a crime. We’ll stick with solids.

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Our 18-year-old swimmer (and runner) slips his red Speedo on. Size 28, of course.

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This Twinkz Illustrated swimmer had just gotten blown before this shot — that is, blown by heavy winds that sprayed seawater all over him and the Twinkz Illustrated photographic equipment. You can see his pants continuing to get blown here.

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Sun After a Swim. We liked this shot even though we didn’t like the shadows. But then they’re easily forgotten when you concentrate on the contents of his 100% nylon Speedo. Which happen to be a very plump, curved, meaty cut schlong. Of course you would’ve already seen it if you’ve seen the swimmers with their Speedos down at Twinkz De-Illustrated.

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This sapphire Speedo expanded and contracted during this shoot as the model went from stiff to soft. Here he’s half stiff. Our model always points his plump cut dick up in his suits.

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Bulge Lab Findings: This semi-cheerful swimmer keeps his cut dick up and to the left. Analysis indicates 5.5″ hard.

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Nudes of this water-polo player here and here. On the SPEEDOS-OFF site, he wears a 100% nylon TYR Destroyer water-polo brief. Which means he can rub bulges with another player wearing nylon and he’ll
squirt! Because nylon rubbing against nylon feels good and lycra
rubbing against lycra feels like you’re rubbing a tire on asphalt. Of course for this shot he’s wearing his team’s Speedo Avenger water-polo suit.

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Bulge Lab findings: Since he’s wearing a thick patterned Turbo suit, the bulge is nearly unanalyzable. We hope his dick is not as pixelated as what Turbo glorifies as its “sublimated dye” patterns.

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